When we first started looking into adoption, we quickly discovered three very different paths to choose from. I didn't necessarily understand these very distinct types of adoption, and have found in conversations since we announced our decision to adopt, most people don't. So I thought a quick run-down of the adoption options might be helpful.
Most adoptions in the U.S. fall into one of these three categories: domestic infant adoption, international adoption, or adoption from state care. Each option has it's own set of pros and cons, and are very different processes. So, our first step was to decide which path was right for us. Here is some general information about the differences.
Domestic Infant Adoption - Adopting infants who live in the United States through private adoption agencies or independently (depending on state law). This typically involves birth parents choosing adoptive parents, adoptive parents bringing their children home as newborns, and some sort of open adoption arrangement for contact with birth families in place. Families for whom a newborn is the top priority typically choose this route. The cost averages anywhere between $5,000-$30,000+ depending on agency fees and requirements. The process can takes months or years, all depending on when you are matched with a birth mom.
International Adoption - U.S. citizens adopting children from other countries. Specific requirements and policies vary greatly depending on the child's birth country. Travel is usually required, and some countries require an extended stay by the adoptive family in the birth country. Many children adopted internationally are being raised in institutional care in orphanages. The cost averages between $8,000-30,000+ depending on the country and agency.
Adoption from State Care - Adopting children from the public foster care system by foster parents, kin, or adoptive parents chosen for those children. This is our path! Children in state care have been removed from their birth families due to some type of abuse or neglect. Children are placed in foster homes, with the first goal being reunification with their birth families. The hope is for birth families to make the improvements necessary to provide a safe, loving home for their child, allowing the family to remain together. If that becomes impossible, and parental rights need to be terminated, the goal becomes finding the child a permanent family. Sometimes they are then adopted by their foster parents or other family members, but sometimes (like in our case) they will be placed with families who are waiting to adopt children legally free for adoption. So we are not becoming a foster home at this point, but are looking to adopt children from the foster care system. Children available for adoption are typically older, due to the length of the process necessary to terminate parental rights. The cost averages $0-$2,500. This is important to note. Due to tax credits, and state subsidies, adopting children in foster care typically costs next to nothing financially for the adoptive family. Most people think all adoption is expensive, and it is often cited as the reason for not considering adoption, but that's simply not the case.
What's the Same?
Despite these differences, there are some similarities to keep in mind...
No matter what, adoption is born out of loss and trauma in a child's life. It is traumatic to be separated from your birth mom, even if that separation happened at birth. It is traumatic to be removed from your home country and culture, and it is traumatic to survive abuse or neglect and be removed from biological and then foster parents with whom you've bonded. Loss is a part of an adopted child's story, which should be respected and protected.
No matter what, adoptive parents have gone through a long, exhausting, emotional process to add to their family, and they need support. Sometimes people are unsure about how best to support an adoptive family, because their needs may be different than other expectant parents. It is a life-changing event no matter what age your kids are when you first meet them, and no matter how you become a family. Adoptive parents might really need a home-cooked meal, or a shoulder to cry on. But most of all, they would love for you to share in their excitement.
No matter what, adoptive parents are real parents. Adoptive parents have all the legal rights and responsibilities of biological parents. They experience all of the ups and downs of daily parenting, with a few extra challenges potentially thrown in. They are parenting the best they know how, just like any other parent. They are working to raise responsible, healthy, happy individuals in loving families.
