I've been a bit of a wreck lately. Feeling raw, bare, frayed at the edges. This adoption process is more emotional than I was expecting at this point in the journey, taking classes and completing paperwork. It's all good stuff, to be processing what our kids are going through as they navigate the foster system, to think about our own family history and current family situations, and to begin to prepare to parent these littles. But, it's hard and it touches those bare wires of emotional nerve endings you may not have realized were exposed.
On top of that, I'm nearing the launch of my book, and feeling nervous, elated, tired... all of the above with plenty of promotional work ahead. After last week with something scheduled every night including three-hour adoption classes on two different nights, I found myself incapable of dealing with even the smallest of inconveniences or stresses. A monsoon made a mess of our outdoor furniture on the one day we hadn't prepared and brought it in ahead of time. Our cushions were soaking wet, and the wind shattered a potted plant and my nerves. Then we got two pool fence estimates yesterday and for some reason, discussing them with Mr. Ladd sent me over the edge. I snapped at him, irrationally yelling at him over the color of the fence. Hmmm. Clearly not about the pool fence.
So I told him to leave me alone, and sat sulking upstairs, contemplating apologizing and combining it with some explanation of my behavior when I realized there was none. I let myself off the hook, and decided to offer a much more sincere apology. Sometimes things are just hard, and we don't react well to them and there is no good reason. So I went downstairs with lowered defenses and said a simple, "I'm sorry. I was wrong. There is no reason for me to react like that, and I'm sorry." I am not usually the one to offer the first apology when we're not getting along. Mr. Ladd is a much bigger man than me in that arena. When I do offer it first, I often buffer it with an explanation of my feelings and how the whole situation could have just been avoided in the first place. But, I'm learning to just say sorry. Sometimes what you don't say offers the most sincere and honest apology.
