Last night we officially finished our nine-month long home study process with the final home visit and safety inspection. We are good to go and now just wait for certification and then placement. It feels amazing to be done with everything on our end for now toward bringing home two siblings from the foster care system! Whether adopting like we are, through the state foster care system, or a private domestic infant adoption, or internationally, a home study will be part of the adoption process. This can seem so daunting and confusing. It definitely was for us at first. It can seem so invasive and unfair, so it's even often THE factor in ruling out adoption for some families, but it really doesn't have to be. If you've ever considered adoption, or are just getting started in the process, here are my 5 tips for surviving the home study process...
Think of it from the perspective of the child's best interest.
In our case, the state is the legal custodian of our future children. So they're the ones researching potential permanent families on behalf of these kids. Think of the due diligence and care that a parent puts into researching even a babysitter for a few hours. If you were leaving your child with someone for the first time, what things would you want to know about that person? What questions would you ask? Think of how much care is then necessary in determining forever families for the children in state care. Don't they deserve the same due diligence? Also, if you've come to adoption after fertility struggles, it can seem especially unfair that you have to go through all of this, when others are not only able to easily get pregnant, but can deliver and bring home a child with no certifications or preparation required. When we would start to get down about how unfair it is, it put it in perspective to think about how unfair this also is for our future kids, who didn't ask for any of this. We really have no room to complain about some paperwork, classes, and home inspections, when our kids have already gone through the unthinkable. It's a small price to pay to bring them home for good.
Remember it's not really about passing or failing.
Sure, there's probably some natural "weeding out" of unfit families. But overall, they are not looking for ways to disqualify you. There's no white glove test or letter grades. In our case, our own agency specialist who we've already been working with and getting to know wrote our home study and completed it with the final home visit and inspection. It's not really a test, it's more of a project. While there are checklists and qualifications involved, it's really more about painting a picture of your family in order to find the best match. She said our home study was 22 pages of written narrative at this point. Children who are being adopted have already suffered loss and trauma, and it is imperitive they are placed with the best possible family to meet their needs. In order to do that, as much information as possible about that family is obviously helpful.
Take advantage of the opportunity to prepare.
As frustrating as some of the requirements are, the home study literally child-proofed our house for us. While erecting an expensive pool fence, locking up toxins, and installing cabinet locks might not be fun and may even seem like overkill at some points, it has been helpful to view it all as a chance to get ready. When we get our kids, there will be enough to worry about. It'll be nice not to have to think about them getting into the liquor cabinet. We've also had to get the kids' rooms ready, which has been a lot of fun and forced us to clean out, pare down, and make room for these little ones.
Have the tissues handy.
One thing that surprised me was just how emotional this process has been, and not for the reasons I might have thought. I expected to feel emotional about waiting for our kids or the stress of the paperwork. What I didn't expect was just how emotional digging deeply into our own pasts and our relationship would be. A large bulk of the home study came right from us, in answers to questions on the paperwork like, "How did your family express emotion growing up?" or "What is your biggest area of conflict as a couple?" So many meaningful, and sometimes difficult conversations came from those questions. On top of that, every week in our classes we were learning more and more about the kinds of situations our kids would be coming from and some of the issues we may face, and it was intense - good in the deepest possible way, but intense.
A good agency makes all the difference.
Your agency is your representative and walks you through the process to adopt. They are the ones completing your home study and getting you certified to adopt. They are the ones you are sharing very personal information with in the home study, so you should feel comfortable. There are many agencies that can technically facilitate your adoption, so do your research before choosing one. We went on the recommendation of a friend who had recently adopted two siblings from foster care. This agency has tons of supports in place for families before, during, and after the adoption. Everyone we've worked with, from administrative assistants at the front desk to the director of the agency has been friendly, professional, and beyond supportive. A great way to get a feel for an agency is to attend a no-obligation orientation session. We attended ours at a different agency, and knew right away that one wasn't for us. Although they all have minimum guidelines to adhere to, there are also agency-specific requirements and philosophies, so find an agency you feel comfortable with.
As always, I'd love to answer any questions you have about adopting from the state system, or adoption in general. Feel free to email me or comment below if it's a general question!
