LADDventure

When Tuning Out My Kids is a Good Thing

There are so many articles about the evils of ignoring your kids and scrolling on your phone, or how to be a constantly engaged, involved mom. But, there is a flip-side to that. Sometimes, tuning your kids out can be a good thing. See, I tend to be a micro-manager mom. The elementary teacher in me has more eyes in the back of my head than is fair and ears that hear it all. I am incapable of ignoring misbehavior, and my kids have no question about who is in charge. There are great things about this. I can think and react quickly on my feet and know how to nip things in the bud before they get out of hand. As a result, my kids are generally very well-behaved and pleasant to be around. The downside is hyper-awareness and difficulty letting my kids be kids. I know intellectually from my years of training in early childhood education what is normal and to be expected, but that doesn't mean I'm good at letting it happen.

I am an introvert by nature. I prefer lots of quiet and long stretches of time alone to think and work. One of the hardest parts for me of instantly becoming the mom of two little ones is the change in noise and activity level in our house. While they are very young, and still need plenty of close supervision, it dawned on me the other day that tuning out and ignoring certain things actually would be a good thing. I've found that working on the ability to tune my kids out has a few benefits:

It allows them to just be kids without an overly-critical mom hovering around. I tend to have many (ahem) suggestions about how things should be done when not everything needs to be a rule. I'm learning to let them do things their way and make mistakes, which sometimes requires me to look away and consciously turn off the side of me that wants to guide and manage everything. Kids are also just weird and annoying at times, and that's OK.

It lets them have fun and be themselves in their own home. I tend to be the type of mom who hears laughter in the other room and assumes an evil plot is being hatched and much naughtiness will soon follow. I don't want to be that way. I hugely value laughter and humor and want our house filled with both, yet I tend to shut it down real quick. Going from being a teacher to a mom, I've had to adjust from the level of control necessary to manage a classroom versus a home. I have to remind myself that the goals are not the same here at home with my own kids as they were at school with my students. Things that would have turned into mass chaos in a classroom of 25 are actually OK with just 2 at home. I do think it is perfectly acceptable and even necessary to have rules and expectations in place so that you enjoy living with these little people as much as possible and they learn to respect their home. But, I have to remember that it is their home too, their safe resting place, the place where they kick off their shoes, relax, and have fun.

They establish and work on their own sibling relationship. My girls were sisters before they were my daughters, and they will continue to be sisters for longer than any other relationship in their lives. They need to be able to tell secrets without me asking, "What are you whispering about?" or make memories together that don't necessarily include their parents. They need to fight, cry, hug, laugh together without interruption to build those bonds, and sometimes it requires me tuning it out and letting them be.

Dad gets to be in charge too. Mr. Ladd and I joked before we even had the girls about how I would definitely be bad cop, and he would be good cop. Now we have them, and I've found it hard to hand over the reigns and let him do things his way at times (even though he's an amazing dad). I've found sometimes I just need to physically remove myself from the situation, go up in my room, turn on all the fans for white noise, and leave them alone. Tuning out actually helps their relationship with him and gives me a break.

They can solve problems and entertain themselves. Developmentally, kids need free play. It is being taken away in formal educational settings at an alarming rate, so it is important for me to allow them long stretches of time at home to imagine, create, and play together without my intervention. They need to be able to get messy, make some noise, and settle arguments on their own to grow.

Their emotions don't have to be my emotions. Crying and tantrums were very jarring for me at first. Starting parenting at toddlerhood is not easy, and it is very hard for me to just let them have their moment and walk away without wanting to throw a mini tantrum of my own. I'm learning the extremely hard way, that I don't have to be upset just because they are upset and to be comfortable with the discomfort of irrational crying or fits. Tuning it out for a few minutes usually means it ends sooner, and we are able to move on faster.

It keeps me calm and able to focus on other things. It is taking me a while to adjust to the constant background noise at home. I felt paralyzed by it at first, unable to carry on a conversation or complete a thought with all the kid activity in the background. I do insist on inside voices in the house, but I'm learning I can still function if I tune things out a little bit and carry on. I don't need to get all worked up over every squabble or annoying noise. This week I turned on some music, and organized half my kitchen cabinets while my girls played in the living room for an hour and a half, and everyone was better for it.

Calling in Help for Parenting Peace

Our cherished babysitter, who is sanity and love, all wrapped up in a snickerdoodle

I've become a big fan of the "Mommy Don't Be a Hero" mantra. I cannot and do not want to do it all, and life with two young kids requires help. As a part of my mission for more peace this year, I intentionally identified a few areas where something had to give and then called in the professionals for a little assistance.

Part-Time Childcare

Part of moving out of survival mode for all of us means Mommy needs to be able to focus on something other than the kids 24-7. V started preschool this fall three mornings a week, but J was still home with me full time. In many ways I needed to swallow my pride and admit that for me personally, full days all week long with a two year old was not fun and was taking its toll. Even on the best of days it takes energy and focus to keep things going well, constantly thinking two steps ahead of a mischievous toddler. She seemed a bit bored and particularly defiant when her sister was at preschool three mornings a week, so I decided to ask if part-time was an option at our beloved child care center and preschool. It was, and as fate would have it, the same hours as V was going to preschool were available for J in the 2 year old class. So, I now drop both of them off three mornings a week, and I can't tell you the difference it has made. It gives me a break from them, and them a break from me. It's allowed me 9 hours a week to get back to writing, dedicate specific time to the podcast, catch up with errands, and just breathe and experience my house without other people in it once in awhile, which I'm finding is essential to my sanity. It is not cheap, and there have been a few adjustments to new schedules and everything, but it couldn't be going better for everyone involved.

Hello Fresh

I love cooking, and had even figured out a rhythm to our afternoons that included Sesame Street and wind-down time for the girls and time for me to focus on making dinner during that dreaded witching hour. What remained difficult were the logistics of planning and shopping for well-balanced meals. So, my brother and sister-in-law recommended Hello Fresh , and I decided to give it a try. We are currently just getting the plan for 3 meals a week, for 2 people, and I love it. Fresh ingredients show up at my house with three dinners per week I can rely on. All the hard work of gathering and measuring ingredients is done, and I just get to do the fun part, which is cooking it. I've even been pleasantly surprised at how it's expanding my cooking skills and ideas. I've filled in the other nights with simple things like spaghetti and tacos, and we're getting carry out one night a week now, which feels like a treat instead of dinner desperation. I highly recommend it, and was not compensated in any way to tell you about this - just really want to share what's working for me. You can use my referral code (MVDHXJ) if you want to give it a try at a discounted price!

Monthly Dates

For the past two months, Mr. Ladd and I have looked at our calendars at the beginning of the month and picked out a few potential days that may work for dates. Then I contact our favorite babysitter (who is now student teaching and only available nights and weekends) to make sure we get on her books. Last month we went to the Cardinal/Packer playoff game, a Phoenix Suns game (courtesy of awesome floor seat tickets from Mr. Ladd's work), and a movie date to see The Revenant. This month we have a full day of Jeeping planned already. I feel like we've done a good job of prioritizing time away as a couple from the beginning, but it's so important to keep it up. This gives us guaranteed time and something to look forward to.

How do you keep your parenting peace? Any changes you're making or ways you're calling in help? I'd love to hear ideas from you.

Reset Button

The first month of 2016 is over, and It's been 5 months exactly since I've posted here. If you follow me on Instagram, you know it's not because I haven't had things to say, or cute pictures to share. But, mostly it's because I personally have felt a little like I'm drowning, chasing after things that I no longer want to or can. This adoption process has met unexpected obstacle after obstacle, and we've gotten further away from when we thought this would all be over and official. Admittedly, it has been extremely hard for me, and I've gotten a bit lost. In the face of everything being completely out of our control, I've clung to control over things that actually don't matter here at home, and it's exhausting. In reality, nothing has changed in our day to day lives. The girls are doing great. They are securely attached to us and thriving.

In reflecting on this past year, I realize I've been chasing words like normal and perfect and should. I've been focused on getting there and forgotten about the already here. I've chased flawless behavior from my kids over connection and settling in as a family. I've often chased after the future kids I want them to turn into instead of meeting them where they are. I've been chasing my old definitions of normal instead of wading through the mess to find a new normal.

We are at a stage in this adoption journey where we need to move out of survival mode. It was necessary for a while, and even sheltering as we focused on the logistics of becoming instant parents to two little girls. But, survival mode takes its toll. It has left me tired, heavy, and unhealthy. I'm stressed, with knots in my neck and my stomach. It's hard for me to focus or create. I feel overwhelmed and bored all at the same time. I feel angry and panicky more often than I'd like. As a wife I feel resentful and selfish. I have a caring, hard-working, amazing husband who I'm having a hard time connecting with and communicating with in our new roles as parents. My house is more cluttered and disorganized than I'd like, but I'm unmotivated to do even simple upkeep tasks at times. I don't feel like I'm using my gifts and talents creatively or as a mother. I'm not writing, creating, or leading confidently. My half of the podcast is hanging on by the seat of its pants usually, and my blog has withered.

I took January to reflect and reset, and after a personal retreat this month...

I feel motivated to make some changes. I'm looking forward to growing in 2016 in my enjoyment and confidence as a mother and in personal health. At 80 I want to be a grandmother who is healthy and active enough to connect with grandkids and great grandkids with sass, spunk, and a sense of humor. I want my kids gathered around my table telling stories of a childhood filled with structure, yes. But also warmth and humor and honesty.

So I've chosen a word for the year - PEACE. No matter what happens in the adoption process (this could get way harder before it gets easier) or whatever else 2016 throws at us, I need to find peace. My goals for 2016 are broad overall but specific around that one word. This year I want to focus on getting peace, being at peace personally, and making peace for my family. I will be writing more about what that looks like for me in the months to come, and thank you for reading along with me.