The first month of 2016 is over, and It's been 5 months exactly since I've posted here. If you follow me on Instagram, you know it's not because I haven't had things to say, or cute pictures to share. But, mostly it's because I personally have felt a little like I'm drowning, chasing after things that I no longer want to or can. This adoption process has met unexpected obstacle after obstacle, and we've gotten further away from when we thought this would all be over and official. Admittedly, it has been extremely hard for me, and I've gotten a bit lost. In the face of everything being completely out of our control, I've clung to control over things that actually don't matter here at home, and it's exhausting. In reality, nothing has changed in our day to day lives. The girls are doing great. They are securely attached to us and thriving.
In reflecting on this past year, I realize I've been chasing words like normal and perfect and should. I've been focused on getting there and forgotten about the already here. I've chased flawless behavior from my kids over connection and settling in as a family. I've often chased after the future kids I want them to turn into instead of meeting them where they are. I've been chasing my old definitions of normal instead of wading through the mess to find a new normal.
We are at a stage in this adoption journey where we need to move out of survival mode. It was necessary for a while, and even sheltering as we focused on the logistics of becoming instant parents to two little girls. But, survival mode takes its toll. It has left me tired, heavy, and unhealthy. I'm stressed, with knots in my neck and my stomach. It's hard for me to focus or create. I feel overwhelmed and bored all at the same time. I feel angry and panicky more often than I'd like. As a wife I feel resentful and selfish. I have a caring, hard-working, amazing husband who I'm having a hard time connecting with and communicating with in our new roles as parents. My house is more cluttered and disorganized than I'd like, but I'm unmotivated to do even simple upkeep tasks at times. I don't feel like I'm using my gifts and talents creatively or as a mother. I'm not writing, creating, or leading confidently. My half of the podcast is hanging on by the seat of its pants usually, and my blog has withered.
I took January to reflect and reset, and after a personal retreat this month...
I feel motivated to make some changes. I'm looking forward to growing in 2016 in my enjoyment and confidence as a mother and in personal health. At 80 I want to be a grandmother who is healthy and active enough to connect with grandkids and great grandkids with sass, spunk, and a sense of humor. I want my kids gathered around my table telling stories of a childhood filled with structure, yes. But also warmth and humor and honesty.
So I've chosen a word for the year - PEACE. No matter what happens in the adoption process (this could get way harder before it gets easier) or whatever else 2016 throws at us, I need to find peace. My goals for 2016 are broad overall but specific around that one word. This year I want to focus on getting peace, being at peace personally, and making peace for my family. I will be writing more about what that looks like for me in the months to come, and thank you for reading along with me.
