LADDventure

We Interrupt This Marriage to Bring You Parenthood

  photo credit: Gretchen Wakeman Photography

I'm over 2 months late with this post, and along with showering regularly and remembering my name, writing is starting to come back to me. Our 10th anniversary came and went April 15th, and as life would have it there was no time to write a beautiful blog post in reflection on ten years of marriage. We celebrated with some silver bracelets from Tiffany's and lunch. Part of me is sad we didn't get to go on an awesome trip or extravagantly celebrate this big milestone in our marriage, but the other part of me knows there is nothing more profound than having to find a babysitter for the first time to sneak in a day date because we're now parents!

10 years ago, on a beautiful Friday night I became Mrs. Ladd, and that has made all the difference. It's been a decade since we said we'd take it as it comes, but take it together. What a way to celebrate the day we became a family - by adding the rest of the members to the family.

photo credit: Tara Dunn Photography

Liking Your Spouse

Sunday, Mr. Ladd and I went to the Cardinal's game. He'd never been to an NFL game and has become a Cardinal's fan since moving to Arizona, so I surprised him with tickets for his birthday. We both love football, and although I'm a die hard Packer fan, I brought myself to cheer for the Cardinals for three hours, especially since they were taking on the 49ers who I love to hate. We had so much fun together, and it was a great reminder of how much we like each other and enjoy spending time together.

Call me crazy, but I'm a firm believer that you should actually like the person you've chosen to spend the rest of your life with. Otherwise, why bother? My brother David, and his wife Emily are a great example of this. They are truly each other's favorite person, and it's obvious. They'd rather be together than with anyone else, and it's been that way since they were in middle school. I don't think this is accidental or only for the lucky few, however. I also see them intentionally finding things they like to do together and participating in causes they both believe in. They are considerate of each other and still do little things to take care of and encourage the other person. I say Mr. Ladd is my best friend, and he really is, but sometimes I forget to be a good friend. I say things to him with a tone of voice I would never use with a friend. I think it's very easy to criticize, keep score, or even flat out ignore your spouse in ways you never would with a good friend. Friends take time to do fun stuff together, tell their friend what they like about them, and overlook little quirks.

In our marriage, when we're making time to have fun together, working as a team on a project, or intentionally noticing things we like about the other and then remembering to say them out loud, liking each other becomes a lot easier. We are really trying to enjoy time as a couple before we have kids and know this connection and friendship will become even more important to maintain when we do.

P.S. Recently ran across this from Seth Rogen, talking about actually liking his wife and the problem with how marriage is often portrayed in movies.

Thankful Thursday - This Dude

It's Mr. Ladd's 35th birthday today! I'm beyond grateful that this guy was born, and that life brought us together 18 years ago. I love that we've had a head start on growing old together, and on his birthday here are 35 more reasons I'm thankful for him:

1. He takes out the garbage and recycling, always, without being asked.
2. He's so appreciative when I cook. A homemade dinner and brownies make him so happy, and he always cleans up if I cook.
3. He trims the dogs' nails which gives me the heeby jeebs, and walks them when it's too hot for me.
4. He takes such pride in his work, and his home and never does anything halfway.
5. He has been willing to be so vulnerable to go through this crazy journey of adoption with me.
6. His eyes light up over animals and tear up over sensitive stories.
7. He makes me smile when I'm cranky, and makes me get over myself when I need to.
8. He is crazy smart, and I sometimes marvel at how his brain works.
9. He has always been so unbelievably supportive in practical ways and in spirit of my career and choices.
10. He has an insatiable curiosity for how things work, and will figure it out if he doesn't know how to do something.
11. He's practical and sensible in all the areas I'm impractical and dreamy.
12. He loves his family with a fierce loyalty.
13. He's quiet until he has something good to say.
14. He's a nerd at heart but sure doesn't look like one (ahem, biceps)
15. He takes care of the pool like a chemist.
16. He loves football and is more than content to spend a Sunday afternoon on the couch with me.
17. He makes us breakfast every single weekend.
18. He's an adventurous eater and will try anything.
19. He's opinionated about things that matter, but always open minded.
20. He values my opinion, and treats me as a complete equal.
21. He washes both of our cars and makes sure the oil is changed and the tires are rotated.
22. He's organized and routined in a way that I miss when he's gone.
23. He is generous and always willing to help.
24. He is almost always the first one to admit he was wrong and apologize.
25. He loves maps. Like really loves maps, so we usually get where we're going.
26. He has fully embraced my holiday mania, and even enjoys it now too.
27. He loves to shop, and cares about how he dresses.
28. He plans for the future and thinks ahead.
29. He forgives easily and always looks for the best in people, giving them the benefit of the doubt.
30. He's responsible and thinks things through.
31. He's willing to ask for help and receive it.
32. He cares deeply about freedom, respect for life, equality.
33. He loves to explore and adventure with me.
34. He is going to be the best dad - patient and calm, fun and loving.
35. He's already the best husband, and I'm the best version of myself with him.

Just Sorry

I've been a bit of a wreck lately. Feeling raw, bare, frayed at the edges. This adoption process is more emotional than I was expecting at this point in the journey, taking classes and completing paperwork. It's all good stuff, to be processing what our kids are going through as they navigate the foster system, to think about our own family history and current family situations, and to begin to prepare to parent these littles. But, it's hard and it touches those bare wires of emotional nerve endings you may not have realized were exposed.

On top of that, I'm nearing the launch of my book, and feeling nervous, elated, tired... all of the above with plenty of promotional work ahead. After last week with something scheduled every night including three-hour adoption classes on two different nights, I found myself incapable of dealing with even the smallest of inconveniences or stresses. A monsoon made a mess of our outdoor furniture on the one day we hadn't prepared and brought it in ahead of time. Our cushions were soaking wet, and the wind shattered a potted plant and my nerves. Then we got two pool fence estimates yesterday and for some reason, discussing them with Mr. Ladd sent me over the edge. I snapped at him, irrationally yelling at him over the color of the fence. Hmmm. Clearly not about the pool fence.

So I told him to leave me alone, and sat sulking upstairs, contemplating apologizing and combining it with some explanation of my behavior when I realized there was none. I let myself off the hook, and decided to offer a much more sincere apology. Sometimes things are just hard, and we don't react well to them and there is no good reason. So I went downstairs with lowered defenses and said a simple, "I'm sorry. I was wrong. There is no reason for me to react like that, and I'm sorry." I am not usually the one to offer the first apology when we're not getting along. Mr. Ladd is a much bigger man than me in that arena. When I do offer it first, I often buffer it with an explanation of my feelings and how the whole situation could have just been avoided in the first place. But, I'm learning to just say sorry. Sometimes what you don't say offers the most sincere and honest apology.

Key West "Babymoon"

We're trying to squeeze in a few trips as a couple before we adopt our little ones. Mr. Ladd had a two-week work trip in the Miami area, so I met him there for the weekend, and we took off to Key West. The beauty of a "babymoon" when you're adopting is you can do all the things you would normally do on vacation, like stay up way too late and have one too many cocktails. It was amazing on all levels, and I would highly recommend it if you're looking for a tropical trip of your own.

First of all the drive! It's about 3 1/2 hours total from the mainland through all the little keys down to Key West. It's a stunning drive over the ocean with plenty of places to stop along the way for some Muddy Buddy's (our road trip snack of choice) and potty breaks. Bonus for a rental car with satellite radio and plenty of Jimmy Buffett and Bob Marley on the way down, to shamelessly embrace full-on island mode.

We stayed at Casa Marina Resort and splurged on an ocean view room. The resort was gorgeous and relaxing, with excellent service. It's on the quieter end of the island, so it was a great mix of relaxation and quiet with access to the livelier parts of Key West.

After the drive down, we were hungry and our number one priority was to plant it oceanside with food and drinks to watch the sun go down. We didn't miss a single sunset while we were in Key West, and dinner at Louie's Backyard was a great spot to watch the first one. It was only two blocks from our hotel, and like many other establishments in Key West, a renovated old mansion with little tables for two, each nestled between their own set of french doors, all along the upper deck.

After dinner we hit Duval Street, the main drag known for it's laid back party vibe, where we stumbled upon McConnell's Irish Pub to use the bathroom, and ended up staying for the great band and these authentic Irishmen.

We stopped at The Rum Bar for a Dark & Stormy (which Kelsey and I first tried on the podcast, and which I'm now officially declaring the drink of Summer 2014). We finally made our way back to the hotel, strolling  through the old neighborhoods with tropical gardens and gorgeous Victorian houses turned inns and B&B's

The next morning consisted of Bloody Mary's, breakfast buffet at the hotel, wandering around town a bit, and a full afternoon at the oceanside pool. We took a cab to dinner down on the other end of the island, and started with happy hour on Sunset Pier followed by dinner upstairs at Hot Tin Roof, where I had one of the best appetizers of my life, the lobster cocktail, and a tasty pineapple-tini.

We had a front row seat from our balcony table overlooking Mallory Square, where everyone gathers every night to celebrate the sunset. It's worth celebrating here, let me tell you.

 After dinner we meandered slowly back to our hotel via Duval Street again, stopping along the way for a walk through a few shops and a drink here or there. My favorite stop was 915, on the way back where I had the most delicious Moscow Mule made with homemade ginger beer, and Mr. Ladd had The Moneypenny, a crazy refreshing cucumber gin concoction.

The next morning was Sunday brunch at the cutest little spot with seriously fabulous eats and attention to detail, 2 Cents.

After brunch, we took our time on the way back to the mainland, stopping for occasional breaks and listening to our own special roadtrip soundtrack of Randy Hauser. We discovered him a couple summers ago on this epic roadtrip, and he's just kind of been one of our things ever since. 

You know those special little things you have between you that seem to evoke a mood that nobody else necessarily gets, but it's just your thing? Randy Hauser is one of our things, and now so is Key West. Just absolutely lovely.

Any other recommendations for mini "babymoon" trips we can squeeze in before we are instantly a family of four?

The Photo Challenge Next Door - June

Camera settings: aperture f8, shutter speed 1/40, ISO 400, focal length 55 mm

You guys! How hot is Mr. Ladd? I mean, seriously. I generally take a whole lot of pictures of landscapes, and nature (beast pets included) and not many of people, so I'm wanting to work on my portrait skills. Since Mr. Ladd is the only other human in the house at the moment, he is my reluctant model more often than not. I think in this very picture he's saying,"What?" cause I just called his name and snapped. I have to catch him off guard otherwise I get a lot of this...

Probably a good rule in general for photos of people. Nobody wants forced weird smiles, or awkward poses. I'm finding if I try to catch people in candid moments, I'm much more likely to capture their best features in a natural way.

I also notice that getting in closer than I might think necessary at first, and shooting from above the subject, are both so important for good people pictures.

For this photo I was very focused on those mischievous eyes, so I thought it might be a good chance to play around with making them pop a bit in Photoshop Elements. I used this simple tutorial to enhance the eyes very naturally and just make the individual colors stand out a bit. It was surprisingly easy, and I'm starting to feel so much better about my dysfunctional relationship with PSE. Things actually work the first time I try them. It's a miracle!

 

Don't forget to check out Kelsey's post today from our monthly Photo Challenge Next Door where we are switching our cameras to manual mode and forcing ourselves to learn how it all works

Also, our new episode of The Girl Next Door Podcast is live today! We're talking about fitness routines and goals, what motivates us, and admitting to some personal quirks. As usual, we're also sharing a tasty cocktail recipe, our current obsessions, and some pretty hilarious Neighborhood News. If you haven't checked out the podcast yet, I'd love for you to give it a listen, and if you're already a loyal listener, consider heading over to iTunes to subscribe and leave a quick review. It really helps us get the word out, and we'd so appreciate it!

Five Minute Friday - Close

They say it's supposed to tear you apart, that it often does. Infertility can divide, then conquer couples in a sea of doctor's appointments and finger pointing. It can reduce ultimate intimacy to schedules, charts, and graphs. But, for us it's been the opposite. Infertility has brought us closer as a couple more than anything else in our relationship. It was like the boat we were on was obliterated, and instead of each clinging to our own piece, we clung desparately to each other, taking turns kicking and treading water when the other one was too tired.

We knew from the beginning we didn't want to go down the invasive fertility treatment route, and our options were extremely limited anyway. So for us, we had no choice but to hang on tight and swim toward another solution, adoption. Now there's no room for blame, and nobody's shortcomings are highlighted. We're just swimming and staying together, knowing that there are more storms on the horizon, and we'll need to kick in unison. We're close to parenthood and each other, and both feel great.

This post is part of a link-up over on Five Minute Friday, where we sometimes put down our red pens, just write for 5 minutes, unedited, and see what happens. Join us!

 photo credit: RobW_ via photopin cc

If Becoming When

When I was a teenager, I swore up and down I wouldn't have kids.  Pregnancy and labor freaked me out, to be honest, and I couldn't imagine actually going through either.  Into early adulthood and early marriage, I still didn't feel the deep desire to be a mom or have baby fever, but something was glimmering on the horizon.  I could see the potential to want it someday.  I knew one or both of us may change our minds at some point down the line, so my 'never' turned into an 'if'.  "Well, if we ever have kids..." I would say, like a long shot - a distant, abstract idea in the future.

In the last few years, Mr. Ladd and I still never really caught the baby bug, but something deeper was brewing.  Many of our friends and family started having kids, and we started having some serious talks about the future.  We still didn't necessarily long for a baby or all the changes one would bring, but we realized we wanted a family.  We wanted to be parents and have family around the table during the holidays.  We wanted family vacations and grandkids, and all the good, hard, meaningful stuff of family.  So we started casually trying to start one, and then more intentionally, and things weren't happening like we thought they would, so 'if' became kind of an ominous cloud of doubt.  "What if we can't get pregnant?" "What if something's wrong." "If we have kids..." we said cautiously, not wanting to jinx it.

Our doubts were confirmed, and we were diagnosed with infertility last summer.  We sat with that for a bit, aching with the constant knowledge that a door we were so hesitant to even open was suddenly slammed shut.  We were told that going straight to In Vetro Fertilization would be our best and really only viable option given the circumstances.  We'd always said the fertility treatment route was not for us.  We knew we didn't want to go through any invasive procedures before even getting tested, but now what?

Adoption had always been an option.  But it had all been hypothetical up to that point; if we had already been trying for a while, if we were diagnosed with infertility, if we were letting go of the possibility of biological children.  But those ifs had become whens, and those things were actually happening to us.  Now it was time to grieve the biological children we would most likely never have, and actually step nervously, but with a flutter of anticipation and excitement, into adoption. 

As we start meetings, classes, and have tangible paperwork in our hands to adopt hopefully two siblings from state care, if has become when.  I'm catching myself still saying, "If we have kids,..." and quickly changing it to "When we have kids..."  If has become when in really difficult but beautiful ways, and while there are so many unknowns in adoption, we do know we will have kids, it's just a matter of when.  That feels good, and it's something to hang on to.  It's a vast improvement over the uncertainty of if.

9th Anniversary Negativity Challenge

I'm realizing I may have a problem with negativity.  It's not so much that I'm a negative person.  In fact, I'm actually quite an optimist and idealist overall.  My problem is more with negative comments, snide remarks, and criticisms flying out of my mouth way too easily.  I truly don't realize I'm doing it, but others do, and it's not my best quality.  I also tend to be pretty stubborn, so I've resisted the notion that I might want to actually do something about it - something to make myself more aware of it, and curb it. 

Then a few consecutive events happened:

I got into one of those general relationship disagreements with Mr. Ladd the other night, and he brought up again how irritiable I sometimes sound, and how critical I can be of him.  I resisted that idea for the most part, but agreed to pay attention to it.

Then this morning, my very first conversation with him was to dramatically complain I would get nothing done today, since he had (graciously) arranged for two A/C and water heater estimates, and the lawn guy was coming so there would be a few interruptions to my schedule.  He told me to go to the coffee shop or library then, but that he really didn't want to hear me complain about it.  He had a point.

I sulkingly turned on my computer screen, and the first thing I read was this month's challenge from Laura at Hollywood Housewife.  She is challenging herself to utter nothing negative for the month of April, and she's giving herself some incentive to do it. 

The next thing I read was this post about focusing on the good things from Kelle Hampton at Enjoying the Small Things, and this line punched me in the gut...

"My, how easy it is for all of us to give notice to the bad things--to add them up, to give them thought, to wait for them to happen and fear their arrival."

The universe clearly wanted my attention, and made me realize maybe I should start paying attention to this thing I don't realize I'm doing.

It's our 9th wedding anniversary on April 15th, and I thought it might be a great time to focus on being more positive, particularly in my marriage.  So I've created a no negativity challenge of my own, inspired by Hollywood Housewife's version.  I've filled a jar with wine corks. Many of the corks have memories from when we drank that particular bottle of wine written on them.  There's one from our honeymoon in Niagara Falls, and from the bottle we had on Valentine's Day, 2008.  They are great reminders of all the positive we have in our relationship. So, for every negative comment I make to or in the presence of Mr. Ladd between now and the 15th, I will move a cork over to the empty jar.  For every cork in the negativity jar, I will donate $5 to AZ RESCUE (an organization who rescues cats and dogs from euthenasia at the county pounds).  We normally volunteer with and give to this organization anyway, but this will go above and beyond, and come out of my personal spending budget.  Every cork left in the original jar, will be $5 toward treating Mr. Ladd to something special. 

While I think being real and honest is important, framing things positively often changes my perspective on them, and complaining or nagging is never attractive.  I often complain and make things more dramatic than they need to be in an effort to make excuses for my own behavior.  I also think I often save all of my negativity for my husband, so I'm focusing on my conversations with him at first.  I don't want to be known as whiny and critical. I don't want to be so easily sucked in to criticizing and poking fun, so I'm putting my money where my overly negative mouth is.  It may be a quiet month.

Wanna join me?  Need to work on something else?  Tell me about it.

Adoption Update #2

Friday we had our initial intake appointment/home visit with the adoption agency we chose.  I was extremely nervous leading up to it, but tried to just channel all that nervous energy into cleaning like a crazy woman.  Mr. Ladd was playing it cool, which totally helped me, although as you can see he was anxiously awaiting the meeting as well. The adoption supervisor told me on the phone that there would be no need to prepare and this wasn't an inspection or anything; that they just liked to do the first meeting in the home to get to know us in our environment a little bit.  But you try to have the first meeting with the people that make you parents and try not to clean as if a white glove inspection was taking place.

As with most things though, the nerves were for naught, because it went fabulously!  Our dogs were incredibly well behaved, which was another worry of mine because they can be a bit crazy with new people, and we actually really enjoyed the meeting. One of the main purposes of this visit was to go over all the requirements and make sure we were clear on next steps.  The more we learned about the requirements, the more at ease we actually were that the necessary steps were very doable, and that we had definitely picked the right agency.  They offer tons of support throughout the whole process.  We really liked the adoption supervisor, even chatting with him for an hour past when our appointment was scheduled to be over, and he told us he was really excited about us and didn't think we'd be waiting too long for a placement.  Seriously the only thing we learned that was a bummer is we definitely will have to be putting up a wrought iron pool fence. It's an agency requirement, and the removable mesh ones won't cut it, which means our yard will be sporting a bit more of the prison chic look, but if that's the biggest disapointment for now, we'll take it.  Plus, in the long run, a sturdy pool fence will provide some extra peace of mind, I'm sure.

So, next steps...

A pool fence guy is coming out to talk with us about specifics and requirements and what we can do for our space.

We start 12 weeks of required PS-MAPP training classes mid-June.  They will be once a week for 3 hours each week, and we need to get the following in before then:

• Agency application
• Fingerprint Clearance Card
• Criminal History
• Counseling Release
• Income Verification
• Guardian Form
• Copies of marriage license, birth certificates, passports, driver's licenses, rabies vaccinations and licenses for dogs, auto registration, and insurance

We get physicals, and do a bunch more paperwork and tell our whole life stories basically in our personal profiles (Good thing I'm a writer) while going through training.

Within 60 days of completing our training classes we'll have our final home visit and inspections completed, and hopefully be certified and ready to accept placements.

We are really excited, and it's definitely more real now that our to-do list is tangible! 

We'd love for you to join us on our journey to adopt (hopefully two siblings) from foster care.  I'll be keeping everyone updated via the blog since I'm sure I will run out of time along the way to individually share details with everyone.  If you'd like to follow along for what's sure to be an interesting story, make sure to sign up for all the latest posts by just entering your email address and hitting subscribe in the upper right corner of the blog.